"The Locator"

Have you heard about this show called "The Locator"?  I saw a commercial ad for it recently and my immediate reaction was shock and, I have to admit, I was a bit repulsed by the idea.  What they were showing was a professional "Locator" whom folks were hiring to find their long-lost loved ones, mostly biological mothers searching out the children they had given up for adoption or vice versa.  I saw this ad before we were pregnant, when I was in the middle of reading three excellent but challenging books on adoption and attachment (for the record, none of which I've been able to finish, it's all very heavy stuff), and my gut reaction was shock that they would show these extremely intimate moments on TV.  It felt like they were exploiting these families.  I made a quick judgement but told myself I needed to watch at least one episode.  And that was all I could handle, almost one full episode.  I was really just shocked to see this on TV.

 Then yesterday I saw an interesting show on Oprah spotlighting "The Locator".  I actually had to talk myself into watching it but was pleasantly surprised.  The reunions they showed were varied and quite amazing.  The one that touched me the most was a former foster mom who had lost her foster daughter at the age of 7 to a family who adopted her without ever meeting her.  Social Services literally came to the foster family's door one day, after 5 years of this little girl living with this family, and removed her from the home.  No explanations given, no time to say goodbye, no closure or preparation.  When they located the now grown woman, she said she felt like she was no longer needed (foster mom had a birth child about a year before she was taken away) and had always felt an enormous sense of loss in her life.  What was remarkable was seeing the grown daughter sitting next to her former foster mom (whom she had referred to as "Mom" as a child) with her adoptive mother sitting in the audience.  And yet she still felt a void.  It resonated a truth I've known for years, that the void of biological mom can't be filled with anything other than biological mom herself.  It's what I've been reading about in The Primal Wound, a book that talks about how each adopted child has within him or herself a wound that is primal...the wound of losing their birth mom.  It's biological, it's real and it's something that we adoptive parents can't ignore.

I think a lot about how we'll handle Na'Im's biological family.  We know who they are.  We know where they live.  We know their story, why they didn't/couldn't care for Na'Im and his brothers.  We don't know or understand why the extended family didn't do their part to step up, but we understand that sometimes we just can't fully grasp what other people go through in life.  I've been creating Na'Im's Lifebook, his scrapbook of childhood memories and photos, and have made a page for his birthdad and birthmom with as much information as we have about them.  But I keep asking myself how we'll help him heal his primal wound?  Will we keep in touch with his family over the years so that he knows they love him?  Will we cut off communication until he's 18 and let him make his own decision?  Will it be detrimental or helpful for him to be exposed to a family that struggles in many ways we would never want to expose him to?  How much is too much and how much is too little?  How do we figure out what he will consider to be the honest and open thing to do as his adopted parents?  And more urgently, is adopting his oldest brother going to help or harm Na'Im in the long run?

A few things the Locator said really resonated with me:  You can't have peace until you have all the pieces.  And also:  Those who are there with you when you need them, that's family.  I have a near-primal need for Na'Im to understand how thoroughly Michael and I love him.  With each day that passes and with each bit of independence that he gains I feel more and more desperate to ensure that he feels our love, deep down to his innermost being.  My primal hope is that Na'Im will know that we gave him our hearts, 100%, when he entered our home over a year ago and that we couldn't love him anymore than we do right now.

I hope he knows this to be the truth, that those who are there when you need them, that's family.  Forever.

Then Again, Maybe Not

My last post announced our pregnancy.  This post follows  with the news of our miscarriage.  We found out at my ultrasound on Wednesday, 1/20, that the baby had stopped growing.  No heartbeat.  Our hearts were broken.  They still are.  After undergoing a horrible DNC procedure which I beg God to never make me go through that again, I'm physically feeling better and am back at work today.  It's a matter of adjusting to our new normal.  We lost our baby.  To us, she was already a living being, with a little heart, and a tiny spine and such huge potential.  We had names for him or her, though we had convinced ourselves she was a girl, our little Kendall Kay.  And now she's gone. 

It's still so odd to not be pregnant.  I don't have to watch what I eat (though I should anyway).  I had a mojito the day before my surgery and cried taking the first sip.  I drank soda for the first time since finding out I was pregnant and it tasted like poison.  I put hot dogs on the dinner menu for the week knowing I could eat them.  My body is realizing it's not pregnant anymore and I'm noticing the changes back to normalcy.  I'm realizing all the little plans I had already started to think about (which hospital to birth at, the prenatal yoga class I registered for, getting Na'Im out of his crib long before the baby comes, buying him a baby doll so he could learn to be gentle with a baby, and on and on) have come to an abrupt end.  I think that's what is second hardest to get used to...just going back to life and not making those plans.

There are things we can and will do to try to make my body a more hospitable place for our next baby, but it's not time for that yet.  What's odd is this in-between time, when condolences have been shared and appreciated, body-wracking sobs have been wrenched out, medical procedure is done, returning to work and our usual routine...this in-between time where I panic that I'll forget our baby.  Or I panic that I'll never move on.  I guess I'm just trying to breathe through the in-between.

Apparently my last words before I underwent anesthesia were "I just want my baby".  And it's still true.  And will always be true. 

We're Having a Baby!

I'm so glad now that the news is out to everyone!  I can now blog about our pregnancy journey and not have to keep it a secret any longer.  Not that we kept it in too long...I'm only seven weeks along!  We just couldn't wait to share our good news with our friends and family.  It's been a long time coming.

So far the pregnancy has been pretty normal, other than some low progesterone/high HCG numbers.  My OB has me on a hormone supplement to try to even those out and I'm going for an early ultrasound next week, January 27.  I'll be 8 weeks along and rumor has it that it might be possible to hear the baby's heartbeat!  Michael and I have been reading week by week about the development of the baby...it's so amazing how much has happened already.  And yet so far to go.  I'm really looking forward to the second trimester where everyone keeps telling me the nausea and fatigue go away and I'll be full of energy.  That'll be a welcome change!

We have lots to do to prepare for baby, but are trying to soak in these early moments.  It's going to be a huge year for the Andrejczyks!

TPR!

We had our proof hearing/trial on Tuesday of this week (12/1) and the judge finally Terminated Parental Rights!  Which means that Na'Im and his two brothers are now legally free for adoption!!  Yay!  What a long road it's been for them.  We're excited not only by our forever family inching that much closer to becoming a reality but also for the boys to finally have the permanancy that they deserve.  There are still some hurdles to jump, paperwork to process, physicals and bloodwork to obtain and more, but it looks like we should be able to adopt our little man by February at the earliest, June at the latest!  Pray with  us for a smooth process in this leg.

Thing I Learned Yesterday: DYFS

Because of our ongoing frustration in trying to partner with DYFS to foster and adopt, I started doing some research this week and made phone calls to other agencies in the state.  Turns out there are other agencies that we could work with directly who place foster children and who have higher rates of successful adoptions, and it all goes through the state like it would with DYFS, but saves you the headache that DYFS inevitably causes.  I was so excited to discover this! 

Unfortunately, just as my excitement grew, it was crushed.  NJ just passed a law that says that once you are a licensed foster home, you can't switch agencies easily.  We would have to shut down our home for 12 months (meaning not have any foster children, which obviously we wouldn't do) then start up the licensing process all over again with our chosen agency.  Which doesn't help us out at all.  So we're stuck with DYFS for a while.

God help us. 

Dominic Joins Our Family for 2 Weeks!

Enjoy some pictures of our time so far with Dominic! We took them pumpkin picking last weekend and have been enjoying time together this week.

Changes.

Forget the catching you all up part...it's much too daunting a task and has kept me from writing at all since my last post. Sorry for that, let's move on.

Friday we welcomed Na'Im's four year old brother, Dominic, into our house for two weeks! He's staying with us "on my vacation" (as he says) while his foster mom goes on her real vacation to "Iss-miss-ippi". It's an amazing opportunity to experience parenting this child to whom we've committed to make part of our forever family-if the courts allow. Na'Im is loving having his brother around and Michael and I are loving it just as much, though it creates a huge change in schedule and energy for us both!

Last night I found myself in a surreal moment, one I've dreamed of for years. It was 5:30, dinner was in the oven, and I was sitting on our (brand-new!) couch with two little boys snuggled in as close to me as they could get, watching an episode of "Word World" together. One on my lap with his head on my chest, one sitting on my left with his head on my shoulder and hand in mine...close enough for me to breathe in their hair smell and kiss their little heads...it was pure, simple love at it's best. If this is foster parenting, I'm all in, for life. If I can be given simple moments like those to treasure in my heart forever, I am a remarkably blessed woman. If I am given the opportunity to create an atmosphere where children who have lived through some of the worst abuse and poor living conditions imaginable can feel completely safe and relaxed, I believe I have served the great Master well. What we do to these little children, we do to Him, and my hope is that I reflect the massive love, gentleness and safe haven that He is.

This month I am experiencing life at a level I've never experienced before. Though my physical self is tired, achy and in need of copious amounts of caffeine constantly, I feel my inner-self is renewing, awakening. As the season itself shuts down and prepares for a winter's sleep, I find myself becoming more alive and digging back through the muck to find the roots of faith that I once held dear. My life experiences and those of my family have changed my perspective and beliefs about much of what I was taught growing up. I feel a need right now to figure out exactly where that all stands. Perhaps it's a need to have something sensible and meaningful to pass along to my children. Maybe it's the ticking clock, I realized when I scheduled my next haircut this week that my first 30-something birthday is 8 weeks away.

Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for this season right now and for all the changes it's bringing. Life is good. Real good, down deep to it's core.

Catching You Up-Part One

We have much to catch up on! While I won't bore you with the minutia detail of the last seven months, I do want to share a few pictures of our first months with our little man.

Na'Im joined us on January 12, 4 days before Michael's birthday. I received a call from DYFS while at work asking us to consider taking him in. We had put those calls on hold while we sorted ourselves out, but had just been saying we should contact our caseworker again. I was told there was a one year old boy who was on the adoption list and needed to be placed immediately into a new foster home. Usually, DYFS doesn't tell you the child's name until you agree to take them, for privacy reasons, but for some reason this lady told me his name...and I knew he was our boy. Michael and I had settled on the female version of his name, Naimah (means peace, calm), if we ever had the chance to have a daughter who we could name ourselves, so when I heard his name was Na'Im, my heart leapt. We went right into hyper planning mode, getting the portable crib out of storage, setting it up in our 1-bedroom apartment, which meant moving our bed closer to the wall to fit the crib, etc. I rushed home from work as did Mike, and at about 7:00pm, our doorbell rang and there was our 19-month old baby. The caseworker handed me this little bundle of hair and winter jacket and he snuggled right up to me. While Michael helped her bring in his stuff (he came with clothes and toys, which our last foster kids didn't) I woke Na'Im up and we began to introduce ourselves. I'll never forget the first time he looked in my eyes and we just sat there staring at each other. We'll never know what he was thinking, but I was so overwhelmed with joy and in awe of this perfect little human being, who had just been handed over into our care. The caseworker checked to make sure we had everything set up for him and as she left, I was holding Na'Im and Mike was standing close to us and we were all three of us just looking at each other and smiling. She commented "It's like he already knows you.". That was the start of our seven month long love affair with our little bundle of joy.

We've learned a lot about his situation since then, and come to find out, he wasn't on the adoption list when he joined us, he has two older brothers who are in foster care, and there are many other complicating factors going into our adoption process with Na'Im. But, through God's grace, we have started the adoption process! More on that later.


(The pictures above are from his first 3 days with us. Poor baby had never had a haircut and it was so matted and dry and had a ragtail in the back, I had to give him a series of three haircuts to get it down to where it was manageable.)

Adjusting

Things we're getting used to again without kids in the house:

-Both of us being able to sleep in on a Saturday morning.
-Going out for dinner at 8pm.
-Looking around the restaurant and realizing we're back in the DINK category (double income, no kids) and that we can just be seated, no scurrying for a highchair, finding somewhere for the diaper bag, ordering off the kids' menu...
-Getting used to the silence in the house. This could be the worst part so far.
-Less laundry. A LOT less!
-Realizing that we have the whole day/weekend ahead of us with nothing to do.
-Missing having little people in our arms and little soft cheeks to kiss.

And so much more.

Moving Forward

After a very emotional night (I woke myself up crying at about 3:30 this morning, and we were so sad to not wake up to little Nando smiling at us from his crib) we're starting to feel back to normal. Well, I shouldn't say that. I don't think either of us will go back to the people we were before we were foster parents. This experience has changed us permanently, in some very good ways, as true service and parenting will do. But we're realizing that we gave them everything we had and then some, we loved them as our own kids, and that's sure to last them a lifetime. Our job now is to pray for them daily, for their protection, their innocence to be maintained, for them to attend school and be able to get the educations they both deserve and for so much more. And it's also our job to let go. Which we knew from the beginning, it's just an entirely different thing to actually do it.

So to our Johna and Fernando, we love you and miss you and will pray for you every day for the rest of our lives. As I wrote in the note to you, you were our family this summer and so always will be. Family is forever.

Court Update

The kids are with us until this Thursday, 9/11, at least. Apparently whatever happened in court yesterday was "a long story" according to the caseworker, and she said she'll fill us in this week. So we're still a family of four through this week, anyway!

A New Season

We're entering a new season of life in the Andrejczyk household.

Wednesday saw the kids going to have a second visit with F's birth dad. Apparently, their aunt and one of her friends showed up as well, so they were excited to see so much family. It's so good for them to know that they are loved and being thought of by their family. On the down side for us, they were given lots of Coke from McDonald's, the 2-year old included, and so they were bouncing off the walls and completely out of control for most of the evening. Thankfully, my girl Dana came over and took them for a walk while I made dinner, which was a great distraction for them!

Yesterday, we said goodbye to summer as we walked J into her schoolyard for her first day of fourth grade. She was nervous about returning and as it turns out, mostly nervous that people would look down on her because she's still in a foster home. "What if they think my mom and dad can't take care of me? What if they think no one wants me?" After three months, we're starting to hear her true feelings and worries about her place in life. We feel for her, we really do.

Today is the second court date for their parents. While DYFS hasn't heard anything from their mom, F's dad will be in court today fighting for custody. As the kids' caseworker says, there's really no way to tell which way the court will rule, so we're all just hoping for wisdom and thoughtfulness in her decision. Meanwhile, J is nervous that if she goes home with dad, she'll have to switch schools on Monday. It's a lot for these kids, man, it really is. We're preparing as we did last time in case they do leave today, gathering their things together without making it obvious that we're packing them up, preparing ourselves emotionally as much as we can, spent a good night together as a family last night without announcing that it could have been our last night together. Lots of potential changes.

We have zero plans for this weekend...who can plan with this hanging over our heads? I'll update the blog as soon as we know one way or the other what the court's decision is. In the meantime, I'm taking lots of deep breaths today, trying my darndest to focus on my work and preparing my heart for whatever the decision is. Bring on the rain, right?!

Thanks, Mom!

I have vivid memories of my birthdays when I was young and specifically of the cakes my mom made. Each year, for each of the four of us girls, she made a cake that was specific to our tastes at the time, be it a princess cake or Disney character. I clearly remember watching her make the cakes and thinking to myself how I couldn't wait until I got to do the same for my kids.

Well, the time has come! Tomorrow we celebrate F's 2nd birthday and so last night and tonight I spent making him a cake. He loves Spongebob Squarepants (not our first choice, but what can we do!) so that's what he's getting tomorrow night. A Spongebob themed party complete with pizza, cake and lots of friends to party with. We'll also be bringing in cupcakes to his daycare class.

They say what goes around comes around, and this time I'm thrilled with what has come my way! Happy Birthday to our first foster son, a boy full of sweetness and energy who loves to laugh, is a good friend to his buddies at daycare, and who we will always remember. May this year bring stability, unconditional love and family to your little life. We love you!

A Bit of Justice

The judge ruled yesterday that J and F will stay with us for a few more weeks, until the next court date in early Septemeber, so DYFS has some time to check out F's dad and ensure his ability to parent these children. We're relieved that they're taking the time to do this and feel it will be a bit easier to let them go knowing that they're going to someone who has been thoroughly investigated. J seems to be fine with the decision, not much of a reaction from her when we told her.

So we're in the parenting world for a few more weeks, at least!

Big Day

Today is a big day for our kids, and for us. Mom has a court date today and it looks like there's a good chance that J and F will go home to F's dad (who is not J's dad). If the judge rules in his favor, and if mom gives her okay, the kids will be leaving our house today. Further details aren't known as far as when and how that will happen, we want to make it as seamless and easy as possible for the kids, so hopefully it won't be the caseworker pulling F out of daycare and J from camp in the middle of the day. At any rate, Mike and I are very emotional today. We knew this is what we were signing up for, but it's excruciating to think of letting these precious children go home to a less-than-good home situation (we met F's dad at the ER on Saturday while there treating F's eye infection, dad was intoxicated and didn't give us a good feeling at all).

We ask your prayers today as the kids' future is determined by the judge. Pray for wisdom and clarity and for the best possible decision to be made...the one that will benefit the children the most, whatever that may be.

And pray also for Mike and I. Our hearts are heavy today.

One Week Strong!

Last night marked one week of our family of four! We've all changed in many ways...physically the kids already look less-stressed and happier judging from the pictures we took of them last Wednesday morning...Mike and I look a whole lot more tired than we did a week ago!...the house has changed as we've tried to toddler-proof it...on and on I could go. Mostly, though, I want you to know that life here is good. Really, really just good. Despite the annoyance of dealing with DYFS and incompetent social workers, we're staying focused on these two lovely children who have been entrusted to us for an indefinite amount of time. We have fallen in love, that's for sure, knowing that they could move on at any moment, but feeling it would be doing them a disservice to treat them as any less than 100% part of our family.

So we live our new lives: Becky up at 6am (yes, you read that right!), shower, dress for work, wake up J for her shower, wake up Mike for his shower, wake up the baby and get him dressed while Mike gets breakfast ready, send F downstairs for breakfast while I do J's hair and spend some time talking with her about the day ahead of her, downstairs for COFFEE and breakfast, a few minutes to play together, give lots of snuggles and hugs and kisses, then diaper bags and into the car, drop J off at school, Mike drops F and I off at work, I take F into daycare then go to work, Mike goes to work, Mike picks J up from school, hangs with her, picks F and I up from daycare/work at 5 or 5:30, home for dinner, dishes, playing, reading, laughing, shower for F, into bed at 8, reading with J or card games, into bed at 9, then picking up the house, Becky doing schoolwork or going to class, and hopefully both of us in bed by 10 or 11. Rinse. Repeat.

Our new life. We couldn't ask for anything better!

36 Hours In!

And still going strong! The four of us are adapting to life together, to our new, temporary family unit. From our end, we still feel so amazed that this is actually happening. The children are absolutely wonderful, we really couldn't have asked for better kids!

Yesterday was field trip day for "J" (I don't want to use their names online, so "J" will be the 10-year old girl and "F" the 22 mos boy) and F hung out with Michael all day. Michael was super busy running the errands that are required to complete the DYFS paperwork (still going on today, too) and gather items for the kids (clothes, etc). I am swamped at work right now, of course, and couldn't leave until 5:00. When I got home, F had been running a fever and was almost at 102, so we had to take him to the ER (DYFS rules) where I spent two hours with him. He did really well when given the thermometer and Tylenol rectally and we were home after a stop at Wal-Mart by 8:00. I missed my 8pm class last night and am hoping to make tonight's at 7. Long day for me, but welcome to mother-hood!

Last night F didn't sleep well due to the fever, so we were both up a lot during the night. I don't know how I'm standing upright and focusing at work today! We have a 1:30 intake appointment at the daycare center here at Campbell's for F, who will begin on Monday if we can get his immunizations up to date by then. J will attend the Urban summer camp.

So we're fully into it now! Late nights, hospital trip (where I was able to share my nephew's story with two moms who had girls with Sickle Cell Anemia! Your ripple effect moves forward, Orilus!), daycare enrollment, school meetings with the teachers... we're parents! And even though we know it's temporary, we LOVE these kids. And we're so, so happy to be parents. This is what we were made to do. Together.

Entering the World of Parent-Hood!

Yup, that's right! Today we accepted two of the most lovely children into our home and family! We now have a ten year old girl and 22 month old boy who joined us after being court-ordered out of their mother's custody and into DYFS's today. The children really are lovely kids, such sweet spirits and so kind to each other, even after such a traumatic day. We know emotions are going to hit hard tomorrow, so we're prepared for that.

We got the voicemail this afternoon, called DYFS after I got home from work, agreed to have the kids here, and had a mere hour to prepare the house! After they arrived with their social worker with literally the clothes (and diapers!) on their backs, we took them shopping for clothes for tomorrow (Wal-Mart and Payless, we thank you for being so nearby!), as well as to get food they like for breakfast and lunch. Luckily for us, Mike is on vacation through this week, so he'll be home with the baby while I work. He has plans to be out of town this weekend, I'm hoping to get Friday off of work and have Lisa stay with me that night to lend a helping hand. Next week we'll have to get the baby into daycare.

We're feeling shocked, I think, as we have been suddenly thrown into parent-hood, but we're so, so genuinely thrilled and content. We just keep looking at each other and saying "this is what we were meant to do!". God is good, His timing is perfect, and even if these aren't the kids that will stay with us permanently, they're our kids for now, ours to love, care for, listen to, talk with, laugh with, expose to nwe things, discipline and teach. We are so lucky.

So good night to you from a very full Andrejczyk house!
Love
Becky

Changes

Today marks nine months from the date that we began the adoption process here in New Jersey. Counting the five months we spent preparing for it in Massachusetts, we've now been on the adoption "road" for over a year. And that was just to get licensed, not including the usual wait-for-a-child time.

After being told over and over that our wait now will probably last another year, I realized this morning that I can't take the nursery being set up any longer. So we dismantled it. Everything went back into boxes or into plastic storage bins and into the basement. The sweet bassinett, the crib, the towels and washcloths, the changing table, the beautiful stroller and carseat set, my Vera Bradley diaper bag and Mike's man-bag, the swing, the baby tub and so much more...all packed away. The nursery now houses the guest bed and a dresser and is ready for our summer company. I would take a picture, but it's just too sad.

While bittersweet (and yes, I shed a few tears while packing things up) we remain hopeful that our time will come when it's right. (And on the bright side, now I won't have to face the empty crib every time I go to my clothes closet.) And so, with hope, we begin this summer of 2008 in which we will celebrate our sixth anniversary, I will start school and life will continue on, all the while keeping the love that we have for our child from becoming stale and forgotten.

With empty, but hopeful arms, we welcome summer.

It's Official!

We're officially on the DYFS Adoption Waiting List! Our home has been fully licensed for up to three children, and we'll get calls at this point for infants only, as that's what we've requested. Calls could start at any time, or we may not hear anything for a year.

Continue to pray with us as we prepare for this life-changing event! And pray it comes SOON! I would LOVE to celebrate Father's Day for Michael this year! (That's wishful thinking for it to happen that quickly, but you never know!)

Baby A...we're ready for you!