"The Locator"

Have you heard about this show called "The Locator"?  I saw a commercial ad for it recently and my immediate reaction was shock and, I have to admit, I was a bit repulsed by the idea.  What they were showing was a professional "Locator" whom folks were hiring to find their long-lost loved ones, mostly biological mothers searching out the children they had given up for adoption or vice versa.  I saw this ad before we were pregnant, when I was in the middle of reading three excellent but challenging books on adoption and attachment (for the record, none of which I've been able to finish, it's all very heavy stuff), and my gut reaction was shock that they would show these extremely intimate moments on TV.  It felt like they were exploiting these families.  I made a quick judgement but told myself I needed to watch at least one episode.  And that was all I could handle, almost one full episode.  I was really just shocked to see this on TV.

 Then yesterday I saw an interesting show on Oprah spotlighting "The Locator".  I actually had to talk myself into watching it but was pleasantly surprised.  The reunions they showed were varied and quite amazing.  The one that touched me the most was a former foster mom who had lost her foster daughter at the age of 7 to a family who adopted her without ever meeting her.  Social Services literally came to the foster family's door one day, after 5 years of this little girl living with this family, and removed her from the home.  No explanations given, no time to say goodbye, no closure or preparation.  When they located the now grown woman, she said she felt like she was no longer needed (foster mom had a birth child about a year before she was taken away) and had always felt an enormous sense of loss in her life.  What was remarkable was seeing the grown daughter sitting next to her former foster mom (whom she had referred to as "Mom" as a child) with her adoptive mother sitting in the audience.  And yet she still felt a void.  It resonated a truth I've known for years, that the void of biological mom can't be filled with anything other than biological mom herself.  It's what I've been reading about in The Primal Wound, a book that talks about how each adopted child has within him or herself a wound that is primal...the wound of losing their birth mom.  It's biological, it's real and it's something that we adoptive parents can't ignore.

I think a lot about how we'll handle Na'Im's biological family.  We know who they are.  We know where they live.  We know their story, why they didn't/couldn't care for Na'Im and his brothers.  We don't know or understand why the extended family didn't do their part to step up, but we understand that sometimes we just can't fully grasp what other people go through in life.  I've been creating Na'Im's Lifebook, his scrapbook of childhood memories and photos, and have made a page for his birthdad and birthmom with as much information as we have about them.  But I keep asking myself how we'll help him heal his primal wound?  Will we keep in touch with his family over the years so that he knows they love him?  Will we cut off communication until he's 18 and let him make his own decision?  Will it be detrimental or helpful for him to be exposed to a family that struggles in many ways we would never want to expose him to?  How much is too much and how much is too little?  How do we figure out what he will consider to be the honest and open thing to do as his adopted parents?  And more urgently, is adopting his oldest brother going to help or harm Na'Im in the long run?

A few things the Locator said really resonated with me:  You can't have peace until you have all the pieces.  And also:  Those who are there with you when you need them, that's family.  I have a near-primal need for Na'Im to understand how thoroughly Michael and I love him.  With each day that passes and with each bit of independence that he gains I feel more and more desperate to ensure that he feels our love, deep down to his innermost being.  My primal hope is that Na'Im will know that we gave him our hearts, 100%, when he entered our home over a year ago and that we couldn't love him anymore than we do right now.

I hope he knows this to be the truth, that those who are there when you need them, that's family.  Forever.