My last post announced our pregnancy. This post follows with the news of our miscarriage. We found out at my ultrasound on Wednesday, 1/20, that the baby had stopped growing. No heartbeat. Our hearts were broken. They still are. After undergoing a horrible DNC procedure which I beg God to never make me go through that again, I'm physically feeling better and am back at work today. It's a matter of adjusting to our new normal. We lost our baby. To us, she was already a living being, with a little heart, and a tiny spine and such huge potential. We had names for him or her, though we had convinced ourselves she was a girl, our little Kendall Kay. And now she's gone.
It's still so odd to not be pregnant. I don't have to watch what I eat (though I should anyway). I had a mojito the day before my surgery and cried taking the first sip. I drank soda for the first time since finding out I was pregnant and it tasted like poison. I put hot dogs on the dinner menu for the week knowing I could eat them. My body is realizing it's not pregnant anymore and I'm noticing the changes back to normalcy. I'm realizing all the little plans I had already started to think about (which hospital to birth at, the prenatal yoga class I registered for, getting Na'Im out of his crib long before the baby comes, buying him a baby doll so he could learn to be gentle with a baby, and on and on) have come to an abrupt end. I think that's what is second hardest to get used to...just going back to life and not making those plans.
There are things we can and will do to try to make my body a more hospitable place for our next baby, but it's not time for that yet. What's odd is this in-between time, when condolences have been shared and appreciated, body-wracking sobs have been wrenched out, medical procedure is done, returning to work and our usual routine...this in-between time where I panic that I'll forget our baby. Or I panic that I'll never move on. I guess I'm just trying to breathe through the in-between.
Apparently my last words before I underwent anesthesia were "I just want my baby". And it's still true. And will always be true.
4 comments:
Becky,
Thank you for sharing this post. We have been thinking you guys a lot these days. I hope for peace during this transitional phase you are in- We love you guys!!
Again, so sad for you all. May the Lord be near :-(
Becky,
I'm so sorry and sad for you but I know that He is in control. I love you and your family and will love your family as it grows. I'm sorry I can't be there to just hug you and do or say something stupid just to make you laugh...You and Mike are truly blessed with your little boy, and you all continue to bless those around you by just being you. Love you so much and will continue to pray for you guys during this time
I love you and am praying for the Lord to wrap His arms around you during this time.
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