When It Rains, It Pours

I'm aware as I write this of potentially having too many negative-sounding blogs recently.  Or maybe I just feel like everything I say sounds negative recently.  At any rate, you know the old saying, when it rains it pours?  Or bad things happen in three's?  Well, today should complete my third bad happening for the month, at least.  On my way to get Na'Im from daycare I rammed right into a Ford Expedition that I thought had cleared the intersection...apparently he changed his mind while I was looking over my shoulder and merging.  Ugh.  No harm done to his vehicle (note to self, purchase large SUV soon) but our front end of our "good" car (the 2002 Chevy) is not pretty.  Driveable, but no right headlight, a crushed grill, and a hood that is crumpled.  Lucky us.

Let's list them, just for fun:
#3: Car accident
#2:  Lost job
#1:  Lost my baby

That sound like enough for a while, right?  Right?!?!

I really seriously am not holding myself together very well right now. I woke up sobbing in my sleep last night because I dreamed that someone had ripped my baby from my arms and disappeared with her.  It's miserable knowing that we came that close.  It's miserable knowing that my child was literally pulled from my body.  I'm still dealing with the after-affects of the surgery and it's miserable.  I wonder out loud when I'm going to feel normal again, or will I ever?  Will I find a new normal?  I found myself in the middle of Wegman's (our local grocery store) with Michael and Na'Im on Sunday evening just wanting to run, totally overwhelmed.  The thought of taking Na'Im out to a store by myself makes me panic. I'm really glad to not be working right now because I just can't handle being around people.  Unless they're in my house, or I can stay for 10 minutes and leave. My conversation skills have gone down the drain.  I'm just totally overwhelmed right now.  I know depression runs on both sides of my family and I definitely struggle with those tendencies, so I'm trying to do some of the things I know to do to stave it off, but it's not effective.  Note to self:  Make appointment with doctor tomorrow.  Maybe happy pills will do the trick.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with myself now.  I've wanted to complete a culinary arts program or cosmetology school for years, so I'm looking into those options.  Financially, I'd have to work while attending school.  But I just can't stomach the idea of taking another dumb office job and sitting behind a desk all day again.  I can't do it.  I'd rather bag groceries.

Anyway, that's a little of the news from my world.  Please continue to pray to whomever it is you pray to for peace for me and for a sense of direction and normalcy to resume.  I'm a mess.  Still.