Seven Gifts My Baby Gave Me

My baby was with me for seven weeks and as I lie in bed tonight trying to fall asleep, I realized I've been looking at this all wrong.  Yes, I've lost my child, and it's devastating and sad and frustrating and difficult and I've been an emotional wreck over the last five weeks (has it really been that long?!), but I realized tonight that she gave me some incredible gifts.  And that's what I should be focusing on.

1.  Hope.  For those first three weeks before I took the pregnancy test(s), I had an inkling of hope, a hope I rarely have allowed myself to entertain over the 7 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant.  But the symptoms were there and a few times I let myself think it could really be happening, the hope was overwhelmingly delicious.

2.  Joy.  Four weeks of pure, blissful, laugh out loud JOY!  It was happening!  It was finally my turn!  There were moments when I would literally just laugh out loud sitting at my desk at work, or walking out to my car or falling asleep.  That baby filled my being with joy.

3.  Gratitude.  Buckets and buckets of tearful gratitude that I could be that blessed, that I had been chosen.

4.  Discipline.  I cut out the junk food.  I stopped the caffeine and soda habits.  I exercised.  I rested when I wanted to.  I took care of myself.  Finally, I was taking the time to look out for me.  What a gift!

5.  Sharing.  I will never forget the look on my husband's face when we realized it was true, two tests don't lie, we really WERE pregnant! Getting to share that moment with him was priceless.  And having the conversation with our family members was an amazing time of sharing.  I was blown away by everyone's excitement.  An especially poignant moment was getting the chance to tell my beloved grandparents, who when I called and asked them both to get on the phone, guessed it right away.  I had waited a long, long time to tell my Grampy and Grammy they were having another grandbaby.

6.  Forgetfulness.  I forgot the years of tears and frustration, the mixed stories from doctors, the questioning of God and of the universe...I forgot it all in the midst of the joy.  That respite was truly a gift.  And I was also now moved from the "Infertile" category...hooray!

7.  A Sense of Something Bigger.  A reminder that we're not alone on this planet.  A physical gift given to a womb that had been dismissed by many doctors as irreparable, or not hospitable.  Though the latter would turn out to be true, for those few weeks I was reminded of the littleness of me.  

Thank you, baby Kendall, for sharing your life with me for seven wonderful weeks.  I think about you every day, I feel your little body in mine, I dream of what you could have been, but I believe now that you gave me some things I never would have had otherwise.  For your life, for your gifts, I will always remember you and in so doing, give thanks.  I love you.